Help Me to Surrender

Lord,

I realize I have be holding on to things, Money, Relationships, my dreams and basically my whole life. And I realize that I need to surrender these to you. That I need to surrender everything to you, and take up the cross. To take on your mission, and live this life of yours following you. I don't want to be of the world, I want to be yours. Take me Lord! Change me, lead me on the path to follow after you. Help me to live my life in total surrender. I realize I'm a person who trends to want control, help me to surrender to you. I want to one day be kneeling before you and hear you say the words "Well done." I know that it will be worth it. God, Help me surrender!

~Your daughter

A Chance at a Home Run

I'm never going to feel ready, for my trip, for marriage, for life. No matter how I prepare or lack of (cough), I'm never going to feel completely ready for the tasks or changes in life. Like a batter at home plate, the baseball is never going to be thrown at you in a straight line. It's going to curve, it may even have an unexpected spin. The thing is you're not just going pull back and let the chance at a home run stop you from swinging your best shot back.

Just for the record I'm not a baseball player, so my analogy is probably slightly flawed to a professional, but it was the best I could think of.  : P

-Gwen

So Different, Yet So Right

I don't know how to put words to what this is like. I never thought love could be like this. It's not a giddy bubbly warm type of love that comes and goes (although I do get get warm and giddy sometimes), It's not feelings that are just on the surface, this is emotions coming from deep underneath. I don't know how long these emotions have been building. Now that I've experienced this love I know that this is real. Like this quote from The Giver "Feelings are just meaning on the surface, but emotions are primal." ~Lois Lowry. I don't think this love is going to drift away, it's primal. I love him and I may just love him till forever.

Is this Love?

I don't know how to do this. It's all so new for me. Is what I feel love? It's not like the warm bubbly, exhilarating feeling that I've had before, the ones that would vanish almost as quickly as the feelings had come. No this was slow steady, out of no where and against what I was trying to tell myself.

What is true? What my heart is feeling or what my brain is saying? Both are at war with each other.

Brain: "He's not what your looking for, you two wouldn't work!"

Heart: "He will treat you so well. and you love him."

Brain: "You don't love him! You just like it that he makes you feel worth something! You'r going to break his heart leading him on that you love him."

Heart: "You do love him! and he love God, he'd be great for you."

Brain: "You're going to make a mistake and get stuck with the wrong guy!"

Heart: "If you both love God then it'll all work. You've been slamming the door in guys faces before you even give them a chance to see you, and now that a guy has seen through the keyhole and is knocking for you to see him. you try to shut him out like you did with all the others, by saying you won't work."

Brain: "Trust your first instinct! He won't work."

Heart: "You'll never know till you get to know him."

Brain: "Your going to lead him on and break his heart! You don't want to do that to him, he's to good to deserve that!"

Me: "Stop!!"

I need to stop thinking, Just get to know him as a friend, be friends for now.

~Gwen

Is This Meant to Be?

This has been happening all so fast

A nagging question plays on in my head

Will this love we have be able to last?

A heartbreak on my hand is what I dread.

How do I know if it's real?

Are we meant to be?

I don't know what to feel

God is he the one for me?

~Gwen Austin

The Blank Page

I hold my pencil above the paper longing to draw, yet the page remains white, image-less. I search for inspiration, still nothing comes. I need to let my feelings out in a creation of pencil strokes, but how can I when I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not depressed, nor am I happy. I can't write my feelings, words for them have abandoned me long ago. My new outlet was drawing and even now its failing me. The page taunts me with it's nothingness, or maybe that's my feelings, nothing. Can you feel nothing? Would you be able to look at this paper before me and know that's what I feel? Nothing... How can I draw nothing?...
       ~ Gwendolyn Austin

A Boost in Confidence

It's crazy what some exercise and determination can do to your day. This morning I went to the gym, and did some laps in the pool to get ready for a swim instructor training I have in a week. At the beginning I was having trouble with getting in a whole lap of front crawl, I kept getting water in my mouth. I had a moment of panic, and had to pause and do breaststroke instead. For a while I just did breaststroke and back crawl. I wasn't sure of myself, front crawl has always been the hardest stroke for me. Finally when I was taking a breather I stared at the other end of the pool and told myself I could get there doing front crawl, I couldn't get worst then a mouthful of water and have to stop for a second, but I WAS going to get to the end. So put my goggles on and took off, and I made it with out stopping! After that my whole day went by great! Just some determination in myself can boost my confidence in my life.

Until next time!

          ~Gwendolyn